Watched The Bridesmaids. It’s meant to be a comedy but I cried more than I laughed.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me but sometimes, I feel like pushing people away or withdrawing myself from people. Whichever way. I don’t know the life I’m living in. Am I in my own world or what? I’m still uncertain if I’m genuinely happy or I’m trying very hard to convince myself by pretending so much to the extent I can’t figure out if everything’s real anymore. I’m sick.

I tend to think a lot, about humans, society and life. Everybody’s and everything’s complexity. The so-called norms that shape our lives and decisions, the social rules and expectations, such as the benchmark for success, which we were not bound to follow but still do anyway because they were drilled into us since young. The stages of our life cycle – I don’t mean the process of human body growth but rather what we do in our lives. We study, get a job, get married, have kids. Of course, I can choose not to follow any of them but the social pressure and environment have forced many of us to adapt and do the same. Like, we get judged by people when we stand out from the norms and it takes a lot of courage to be different. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?

Why are we revolving around money? Why do people commit themselves into a marriage when they know they can’t? Why do we have school bullies just because some kids are different? Blah blah blah blah blah.

It’s hitting 5am soon. Goodnight.

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